Little full lota sap...back by popular demand!

Back by popular demand! I am re-posting from last Christmas...enjoy!

When the holidays are upon us we share stories of family traditions, touching memories and more quirks that set us apart from the rest of the normal people.

My mom had just gone out and purchased an artificial Christmas tree. It has all the latest bells and whistles, pre-lit with 6 billion "warm" white LED lights which is this year’s model and to boot the tree is a slim fit. About the only thing that will be slim this holiday.
Anyway, she was telling me that my dad and she had to put up the tree immediately as she wanted to be sure the lights were all working and that it was indeed a "slim" tree. She was told that the store policy was 14 days for a return and being that this was only the second week of November it left her no choice but to perform an early test launch. She said that the tree was beautiful and a snap to put up only 20 minutes start to finish. This made me laugh as I started to have random flashback images of Christmas past.

Some families made the picking out of a tree a real family event, a joyful celebration, a cherished tradition. I picture them with their clothes laid out the night before...little Johnny may have even slept in his. The family would awake that crisp and sunny Saturday and hop in the station wagon for a drive into the country where they would come upon their beloved tree farm. Oh the children would shout for joy, "we're here, we're here" and mom and dad would join hands and embrace the glory. They would hop out of the wagon and make there way up to a barn that had been transformed into Christmas in 1920's. Inside would be an old wood burning fire, the smell of fresh pine and cider in the air. Around would be little hand made decorations and bake goods for sale.

That wee family would stroll arm in arm out back to a field where the most perfect trees grew. Just then a flurry of snow and a warm light in the distance...hark our tree. The family running up to the tree, "this is it kids", dad would proclaim and the good sir would cut it down and wrap it up. Everyone pilling back into the wagon, with cider in hand and a glow in there hearts.

Beautiful isn't it....cut to real life and I don't mean to insult anyone who for them this story is reality. You are just getting better drugs and counselling then my family got. Kudos’ to you!

The story "Christmas Vacation", with Chevy Chase was more my style. The houses that we grew up in typically had a space that would accommodate a fairly large tree. I say houses because we moved like we were in witness protection, but that is another blog.

As fair as most of the memories go, dad brought home a large real tree, it was lit and decorated to the tits and not much out of the ordinary. That is until silver shadow. That was the name of a street we lived on. I will remember that tree trimming for the rest of my life.

Please note the following is based on a true story, the content may seem truer than life, but rest assured it is strictly fact.

It was a week before Christmas I think I was 15. We had been talking about when and where we were going to get a tree. We were living in a multi levelled town home where the dining room looked over the living room in an open concept style. All thought the ceilings were 29 feet in the living room the actual footage was small. My dad who had been into the festive egg nog states that he will go get a tree. Three hours later he returns with the mother of all trees. It would have been excessive for a shopping mall let alone our living room. Although he has never admitted it, I am convinced that my dad when to a tree lot and being from the great white north was disgusted by what they considered to be a tree and I am sure he was shocked that he was expected to "buy" one of God's trees, so he went for a little stroll and cut down his own tree.

My mother's face when he arrived home with this wild tree, I will never forget. It hung 6 feet off each end of the minivan! The fight started then. My mother wanted to know, where he got a tree that size, where the hell he thought he was going to put a tree that size and what the hell was he thinking. There were 14 steps up from the foyer to the living room and I remember watching my father pull this damn tree up the stairs and it just kept on coming. When he reached the living room the top of the tree was still in the foyer. He dropped that tree in the middle of the living room/stairwell and I know I did a lot of drugs, but that was the biggest fucking Christmas tree I'd seen outside of Nathan Phillips Square. I just stood there Gob smacked as my father enlisted my help in standing up this tree. For the size of it, it was not terribly heavy and as we stood it up I understood why. Clearly my father had picked this sucker out in the pitch of night. There were holes in the tree that would house small families, not to mention the odd nest that my father proclaimed to be old and abandoned. I remember my mother standing there with her mouth wide open, it seemed like forever before she said something. Maybe she was looking for the right words, or reasoning for marrying the festive little man that stood before her then it happened. "For fuck sakes Tom, Jesus Christ. It has holes; there are holes in the tree. And how the fuck does anyone get the angle on top of that fucking situation"? My mom is the cutest little thing ever, all 4 feet 10 inches of her! I knew then it would be a Christmas to remember.

My father had asked me to hold the truck of the tree as we were standing it up and I was still holding it when he let go and walked over to see it from my mom's perspective. "Well it's a little tall but I will trim it and the holes will fill in once I untie it and let her settle".Yep, this thing was still tied up and the fresh sap was adhering my arm to it. My dad walking down the stairs on the way to the garage asks where we keep the tree stand. My mother is following him assuring him that we do not own a tree stand that will house a tree of that size. I can hear them bickering all the way down the stairs and out the house! I waited a few minutes and then began to get the impression that they were not returning.

After an hour my brother appears, let’s not get into the look on his 9 year old face. I ask him where mom and dad are. He says, "They had a fight. Dad is tearing the garage apart and mom is at the neighbour’s house having "egg nog".So I am stuck to the fucking tree, which is getting heavy. I send my brother out for help and soon my dad returns. He lifts the tree into a 20 litre paint bucket and fills it with water and rocks. Of course when he starts to untie the tree it turns out to be too wide and tree starts to tip. So there was some trimming and then the tree was secured to the wall at two points using heavy gauge wire. After a few more festive egg nogs, my dad decided to tackle my mother’s issue with the tree being too tall for her angel and to shut her up, lopped off the top of the tree!

Yep, it took about 1000 large lights, decorations the size of grapefruit and a Christmas table cloth for a tree skirt, and so what if we could only sit on one section of an L couch, in the end she really sparkled on Christmas morning! I believe we have had an artificial tree and dad has given up the egg nog since then so now we can all sit back and have a good laugh at our Griswald's family Christmas.

Happy tree shopping!

Ah, What the figgy pudding!

If Mrs. Clause married the Grinch himself.

I am not exactly sure what went wrong with his childhood, but somewhere along the way my husband has developed a serious disgust for the holidays. Every single one of them, but Christmas is the worst.

He hates the tree trimming.

Despises holiday shopping.

Rejects the comfort in having friends and family near.

The caroling makes him want to vomit....blah blah humbug.

I have my theories being a social worker what the issues at hand may be, but that is another post. The fact that he hates Christmas and I simply adore the holiday to it's fullness, is a true test of our marriage. I have been given strict instructions since the day we were married, that under no circumstances is a Christmas decoration allowed to be displayed in our home before December first! I sit anxiously and patiently every year pleading that November is a perfectly acceptable time to put up a tree. I parade him up and down the isles at Costco where the Christmas decorations fight for positioning among the Halloween decor in October. He's reply is always a glare and an abrupt NO!

This year he made a grave error. He took me to Fankenmuth, Bronners to be exact....the happiest place on earth. Bronners is a massive Christmas store open 361 days of the year. My trip to this Christmas wonderland sparked my Christmas spirit early this year. My return in November did not help, in fact my second visit catapulted my glee for the season into overdrive.

Hubby left for sunny California last Friday and returns this Saturday morning. I have never really been one for respecting or adhering to the regulations of glorified authority figures...you know security guards that carry a Maglite, the green smock ladies at the hospital, librarians, my husband.

So I decided, what the figgy pudding, it will be December first by the time he opens our front door...lol I have DECORATED and I am bursting with holiday cheer.

In case he is lurking, "SUCKER, Merry frick'n HO HO"!

P.s. The kid is on my side!

Santa Baby!

Happy Holidays from the 3 midgets!

Too Cute...my niece, nephew and baby girl....gogo

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9574765708

Oh Shit My Sides Hurt from Laughing!

I was recently forwarded this email and I laughed so hard I was compelled to share it with everyone I know via blog.

Take a moment to visit this guys blog...

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html

Enjoy folks!

Hating this week.

I am currently sitting at my desk listening to Christmas carols over the net as it makes me happy. Christmas is my most favourite season ever and carols help soothe the anxiety attacks and rage I have during my work hours.

Yesterday was the closest I have ever come to picking up my purse and walking out...just one of those horrific days that kept getting worse. I am actually surprised that I left last night still employed, as I was convinced that I would quit or be fired...either way leaving without a job.

On my drive home I thought of my day and others work ethics of lack there of, an came up with a new reality show...urban survivor. You take 16 not-for-profit employees and place them into the corporate world, (lets say where Linda and I use to work together) and leave these poor people there to work for one month. Now that's quality viewing! Linda would be Jeff in this spin of survivor.....ahhh lol good times!

Adding insult to injury, the drive was ridiculous at one hour and 45 minutes. Tim Hortons was as disappointing as ever and I drove away with my diaper bag on the top of my car last night. I was only five minutes away when I realized what had happened. I called the in laws and asked them to take a quick look for me. I turned around and made my way back to their place keeping my eyes peeled for the bag. I met my FIL at the end of his street carrying my bag. I discovered that it had been opened and gone through...all the little zippers and pockets violated. Seriously, what the fuck did you think you'd find other that diapers and wipes. It is clearly a diaper bag and if you had found money, would you have really stolen it from a mom you filthy pig. I breathe deeply and hope for Karma!

Today...not that much better, but short of winning the lottery there is not much I can do.

Jingle all the way!

As the snowy weather approaches I am reminded of a tale that I will never live down. To this day my dear friend Linda chuckles as she tells the punch line.

I had just graduated from college, I was purchasing my first home and about to be married in less than a years time. The company in which I currently work for was not hiring, but could foresee an opening with in the year. They told me to find a job for the time being and they would let me know when they had an opening. After a few weeks of realizing that I am about to take on the world unemployed and panicking about what I was going to do...my friend Linda came through.

Linda approached me one night at pool. She stated that her company was looking for temp help and would I like a job. Linda worked for an industry that I knew nothing about. It was corporate and I was a certified tree hugger, I did not think I could do it. However in the always encouraging manner Linda proclaimed, "You can do it. You just need common sense stupid". I took the job.

To be honest, it was the first "real" job I had ever had. My first corporate experience in an unforgiving industry. I needed a mentor and their was Linda. I her grasshopper, she my mentor. Linda is one of the kindest, loyal, generous, loving, intelligent, shoot from the hip, don't talk to me today if you want to live, bitches I have ever met. She's great, but will take you out in a moments notice if you fuck with her or her family. I love her!

So I am the temp which equals new girl bring coffee. Everything is going well and my contract continues to be extended and I am making my mentor proud until one fatal error.

At the time I was living with my parents in Mississauga and had woke at my normal time to find a shit load of snow had and continued to be falling. I proceeded with my shower and getting dress all along with the looming drive hanging over me. I hate driving in snow and at that time was ridiculously paranoid about it. I grabbed my purse and headed out to the highway listening to the traffic report which only fuelled my anxiety. It was still dark and snowing as I entered the on ramp of the 403. I managed 2 exits when I witnessed a car skid off the road and end up in the ditch. I lost what little nerve I had and proclaimed that no job was worth my life...drama queen. I exited at the next ramp and went back home. I was freaked out, but I realize now that cars don't just fly off the road...that perhaps he was driving at an unsafe speed and in a dangerous manner causing him to leave the road way that day.

I returned back home 30 minutes later, slightly shakened. I proceeded upstairs to my bedroom, changed into my p.j's and robed, went back down to the kitchen and made a half coffee half hot coco, flicked on the fireplace and joined my mom in the living room.

Here is the error. I picked up the phone and called Linda, whom of course was already at work (she's a keener) and foolishly began telling my story. You tell me where I may have gone wrong.

Lin: Good morning
me: Hey Lin
Lin: where are you
Me: I am sitting in on the couch, in my pjs, in front of the fire sipping a hot coco! giggle giggle
Lin: WHY!
Me: It's snowing
Lin: No Why are you not here?
Me: (gulp...and in a louder voice) It's snowing
Lin:.................................
Me: Lin? (the silence was the key that we were no longer on the same page)
Lin: yep
Me: it's snowing too bad here. I started out and then a car....(I was abruptly cut off)
Lin: So I will see you when?
Me: (cute peppy voice) Tomorrow...I'll bring coffee :O)
Lin: yeah so you are sitting on the couch curled up with a coco in front of the fire and you won't be in today, am I right.
Me: Yeah sorta sorry...I feel bad, but it's...(cut off again)
Lin: Insert scary laughter...ooooo-kay. So not at all today. Not even later when it's not snowing, like when they have cleared the roads? Not then, not today eh?
Me: oh you're mad at me
Lin: still laughing....you have a good day with mommy now....click
Me: dial tone...okay you too.

The rest of my time there (which looking back is a surprise that I had anytime left) was spent trying to live down that day. Why I didn't just call in sick...period was beyond me. Why I thought that because it was Linda a friend, that she'd go easy on me, is a mystery. I plead young and stupid and seriouly lacking common sense afterall.

The out come of this little story has been interesting though. Firstly I feel guilty beyond belief when I rest in bed for a while, nap or call in sick for anything. Secondly, I subconsciously inherit ted Linda's above standard work ethic, and my team thanks you Linda. I am the biggest bitch when it comes to people calling in. It drives me to hear about their sniffles and such. One ex-coworker called and said she wasn't coming in because they were calling for snow! It hadn't even snowed yet like in my case. I didn't take it lightly...Linda you'd be proud.

Grasshopper

Thanks MP

So All that is Highlited is something I have done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (not)
2. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (does Diamond Head count...that ended well)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (Ick no)
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (touched one)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (no thanks, they'd just ruin it by wanting sex)
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (I'm a tree hugger)
10. Bungee jumped (not on your life...or mine for that matter)
11. Visited Paris (would like to)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (no, but it would be a sight I am sure...I have seen a lighting ball)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (oh to be young again)
14. Seen the Northern Lights (yep...beautiful)
15. Gone to a huge sports game (unfortunately)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (every year)
18. Touched an iceberg (not sure I want to get that close)
19. Slept under the stars (yep not as romantic as it sound...dew it's a bitch
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (shit yes)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (sounds nice but not a fan of a basket being the only thing between me and the ground)
22. Watched a meteor shower (on the beach...perfect make out)
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (so good and I will do it again)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (I bad for it)
27. Had a food fight (wouldn't be a thanks giving without one)
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (Royal winter fair...get on it)
33. Seen a total eclipse (In every sense...Yep looked right at it...grade 5...prayed every night for a year later that I would not wake up blind)
34. Ridden a roller coaster (yep and hate it every time)
35. Hit a home run
36.Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (although I am accused of it often...aunt and pants....soft a people)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer (I probably do...ask the geek I married)
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (nah)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (yeah no)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving...Lucky if you can get me in a plane let alone to jump out
51. Visited Ireland (would love to)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them (not by choice)
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (OCD baby)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (hated it)
59. Lounged around in bed all day (yeah but felt really guilty about it)
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving.
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (way better then sharing my personal space)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (Just did...small and young)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (Mexico)
70. Taken a martial arts class (Judo)
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (oh lord)
72. Gotten married (yep!)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced (shit I hope not...invested way too much time already)
76. Gone without food for 5 days (IV Count...make it 10 then)
77. Made cookies from scratch (of course...how else do you make cookies)
78. Won first prize in a costume contest ( when I was a kid and a company picnic)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo (yep, would like more)
81. Rafted the Snake River (not)
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” (nope, just as a person trapped in a car)
83. Gotten flowers for no reason (my geek loves me)
84. Performed on stage (taa daaa...another blog perhaps)
85. Been to Las Vegas (hate that flight)
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark (no we have a respect thing for each other)
88. Kissed on the first date (kiss...interesting approach)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house (twice...scares the shit out of me everytime)
91. Been in a combat zone (other than my place of employment...no)
92. Buried one/both of your parents (shit no...that makes me sad)
93. Been on a cruise ship (Oh lord I throw up on the ferry ride to Toronto Island...I am a real treat)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in the process)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (no too close to stalking for me)
98. Passed out cold (yep)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country (My ass is not pretty on a bike seat)
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery (reconstructive)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't’t have survived (hoooya)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (my letter to the editor made it)
106. Lost over 100 pounds (probably should...I did give birth to a 10lb baby...it's a start)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane (fuck no...and count your blessing that I haven't)
109. Touched a stingray (no....again with the mutal respect thing)
110. Broken someone’s heart (maybe...I would like to think that I have impact on those I tango with)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show (nope, but it would be nice)
113. Broken a bone (Yep...5 in my back/neck, tailbone 3 time and 3 in my foot...and my skull)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears (no but love the lip)
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (yep whata rush)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild (ahhh no)
118. Ridden a horse (for sure)
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet (ICK)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (Yep fell off a balcony once...another blog....concussion)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents (lord these people have money)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi (yum)
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed ( now that's a sight)
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (soooo, good...pickle green tomatoes too)
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey (I don't have that type of attention span)
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (my dad hunts)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you (could have)
145. Had a booth at a street fair (should have)
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life (child choking on a sour key ring)

Enjoy and thanks for the waste of time...lol

Odd little creature

Have you ever looked over at your significant other and thought, "you are an odd little creature".

I love my hubby, he's wonderful, but he comes with a ring of oddness. To be fair we all do and I am most likely the poster child for odd habits people have, but the other day I was looking at him and I was flooded with all the things odd about him.

When you first start dating you are looking for the red flags and any sign that you should run hard in the opposite direction. You notice all the nice and kind things he does and assess their pureness as the bottom line is that he is trying to bed you ultimately. You take note if he has good table manners, does he tip well, is he funny...I could go on, but you don't get the chance to meet those hidden quirks until you are sharing a life together.

I am sure many of you are all aware that my hubby is much like a stale Twinkie; Crusty exterior with a creamy delicious filling. But here are some other oddities that you might not know about him. Little things that I have collected along the journey of our marriage.

1. He proclaimed a few days ago that he hates chicken salad sandwiches as it, "fucks with his senses". He states that although he knows it's chicken he is confused by each bite as he was expecting tuna, which in turn saddens him.
2. He is obsessed with Gossip Girl, a new T.V. show that started this fall. It is basically a drama about these prep kids that are rich and pretty much able to do what they want. There all cliques and story lines behind each character that slowly unfolds and reveals a little insight each week. A 17 year old girl would love it. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been shushed over 4 times. Last week I was asking about a few of the characters and he was flipping out saying, "why don't you ask during commercial". Lord love us honestly!
3. He breaks everything, everything. My ladle, my spatula, my purse, etc.
4. He absolutely freaks out if his hand are sticky or dirty.
5. He folds his pizza in half to eat it.
6. He gets Jimmy legs and then whines that he has them and bed time is 2 hours away.
7. He has a bedtime!
8. He works 3km from home, but leaves at 7:30 to be there at 8:30. He has a little route that he takes to relax before work. How the hell you relax during morning traffic is beyond me.
9. Every six months or so he decides that he is going to quit smoking. He goes out and buys 3 months worth of the patch and sticks diligently to the program. He seems proud with his accomplishment of not smoking for almost 4 months, but what he really want is a smoke ...job well done. He is so weak.
10. He scopes the parking lot for pull-thru spots. I was 9 and half months pregnant and he parked so frick'n far away because he saw a pull-thru. Note: a pull-thur is when one pulls their car into a parking spot only to find that the spot in front of them is too empty and you then pull up into that spot. It is a cheaters reverse parking job.

Just an observation.

Turd Burglar

The definition of a turd burglar is; A person who knocks on your stall door while you are in the act of defecating.

My baby girl is the ultimate turd burglar. I have reached the point of motherhood where privacy is non existent. Whereever I go she follows and with questions.

I am about to leave for work the other morning when I was hit we the "feeling". I sat baby girl on the coach with her warm bottle (trying to break her of the bottle is another story) and her Molly. I tell her:

Me: You sit here, mama needs to go pee pee
BG: squirming to get off the couch... I-is (her interpretation of her name) pee pee
Me: No No, Baby, you sit here and I will be back...inner dialogue, can I just have a poop without the commentary and big brown eyes staring at me.
BG: off the couch and running to the bathroom.

I get to the bathroom, start my pee and she stop, swings around with the biggest eyes and a perfectly O shaped mouth and says, OHhhhhhh mama PEE PEE...good girl mama". I thanked her for the recognition of my efforts and try to carry on with a bit of dignity. She then starts to slide herself between myself and the wall toward the back of the toilet and is pushing me. "Up mama Up, bye pee". Oh lord. I say no and she loses her mind throwing herself on the floor between the wall and the toilet screaming, "Pee pee, bye pee pee." I pick her up and she runs out of the bathroom and shuts the door. Ah peace!

Bang bang, mama, help. *sigh* now she wants back in and cannot manage to open the door. I open the door and in the middle of me trying to reason with a 17 month old that mommy is not done and would like to try pooh pooh, she hears Mark's shower go on and bolts up the stairs and down the hall to the main stairs. For Christ sakes... I jump off the toilet and run after her with my pants half up. I grab her and take her back to the bathroom. Along the way she has picked up a Polly doll and another has joined my party. I shut the door, drop what is left of my pants and attempt to wrap this situation up. During which time Baby girl is now sliding Polly doll up and down my legs shouting blissfully WEEEEEEEE mama slide WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

And we are done. I have to face the fact that this is not going to happen for me today. I may never be able to poop again. I just needed 2.5 minutes of peace and it all would have been nothing more than an after thought, but nope the turd burglar strikes again. Forcing me to carry around my poop all day as I do not public poop, and hopefully things will work out later.

Update

Sister Sarah finally came home from he hospital on Monday afternoon. Turns out she had an ulcer too and they had to perform a CT and scope after surgery as she was continuing to have pain and vomiting. She is on the mend now at home, but still having trouble keeping foods down.

The man who wife was sent to IUC, was taking off the vents the next morning and transported to day surgery floor to recover. She is doing well and was sent home on Friday night.

TTFN

Sister Sarah

I got a phone call from my mom on Wednesday night telling me that my sister had been taken to the hospital as her gall bladder attacks were worsening. My mom said she would call in the morning to let me know what the out come was.

I woke up on Thursday and had yet to hear from my mom. On my way into work I called her and she had just come back home at 5:30 that morning and is on her way back to the hospital soon. Apparently my sister was going to have emergency surgery and was just waiting for an opening. I decided at that point that my mom was really in no shape to drive out to 400/Finch and stay there all day by her self, so I headed over to her place and picked her up.

At the hospital we found a very sick sister Sarah. She was in a lot of pain even with the morphine. I felt really bad for her. At 7: 30pm she was finally taken into the O.R. and the doctor told us it would be an hour and he would come talk to us in the waiting area at Tim Hortons. Mom and I left and went to get some dinner. We got anxious close to the hour mark and waited for the doctor to round the corner at any moment. At 9pm my mom started to panic, but I assured her that all was well and they are most likely taking their time.

9:30, 10:00, 10:30 now mom is crying and is convinced that something is wrong. I was running out of things to tell her and she was starting to get me worried. I decided to go up to her room...maybe we had missed her, but the bed was empty.

In the mean time the gentleman whose wife came out of surgery before Sarah went in...is wondering around looking for her. We had over heard the doctors talking about a patient that was not breathing and was being vented and moved to the ICU. I assumed it was this mans wife, but I did not want to say anything as there is always a slim chance that I am just nosey and it's not her. This happened at 6:30, before Sarah was taken in. He kept saying to us that he cannot find anyone in surgery to talk to and the nurses upstairs are redirecting him back to O.R.. He mentioned that no one was in recovery, so Sarah must still be in surgery. At this point my mom pretty much loses it as a 1 hour procedure has turned into over 3 hours and she is thinking the worst.

Then this man finally finds out from the nurses up stairs that his wife has been moved to ICU, as she is not breathing on her own, and he left to investigate that was at 10:45pm...nearly five hours after the fact. I felt terrible for him and I hope that she is fine. It was morally heart wrenching to not tell him what I had over heard. Thank God the nurse told him, as I am pretty sure I could not keep it from him much longer....stupid doctors put me in that position.
Mom is really freaking out now, because if they kept that info from him then what are they keeping from us. His wife's surgery was a simple procedure too, she just didn't want to come around in recovery and so they vented her.

We decided at this point to go down to the O.R. and ransack it until we found Sarah. As we walked in Sarah's O.R. nurse comes running from one of the rooms and stops in her tracks.

Nurse: What are you two still doing here?

Us: Waiting for Sarah to come out of surgery.

Nurse: Who

Us: Sarah...Gallbladder

Nurse: Oh God she left hours ago.

Us: What

Nurse: Yeah 8:30, her surgery is done she's gone back to her room.

Us: But the doctor never came to tell us she was out

Nurse: oh. I am sorry...she's fine the surgery was fine

We headed back up to the room where Sarah has been asking for us for the last 40 minutes or so. We must have passed each other when I checked the first time.

She is doing well and will be coming home today. It was a really long day and I am glad I decided to go with my mom. I could not imagine her sitting alone through that. Holy stress.



This is Sarah while we are waiting in the OR. I am killing time by trying to convince her that she is pretty. She was too sleepy to play so I took a picture for later, and by later I mean face book....I'm a bitch!

Gobble Gobble

Nothing better than a belly full of turkey and a four day work week.

We had our thanksgiving celebration weekend, which was a good time had by all. On Saturday hubby and I hosted a beautiful turkey dinner for my family. I would like to give a shout out and big thanks to my hubby who actually cooked the entire dinner...he's the man. Now before you all get bent out of shape with jealousy I would like to note that I baked non stop last week and I cleaned the house...It is only fitting that he cook a meal. Besides that, he has a culinary arts diploma and I would hate to see his education go to waste.

Our turkey was super good and yes it was yet another beautiful bird compliments of our fish monger. Thanks a bunch Paul and the family at Paul's Fish and Meat Market!

On Sunday we were invited for an afternoon and dinner at Mark's Aunt and Uncle's place in Ajax. We had a fantastic time and my sides are still burning from laughing so hard. We dined on a crown of pork, dressing and more veggies that you could shake a stick at. We had a ton of laughs and great time bonding with the family and friends. Look forward to Christmas.

On Monday we headed over to another set of Mark's aunt and uncle's home for a coffee and a holiday visit.

Overall great weekend, but I am having trouble taking this week seriously. I really want to just lie around and rub my gut.

Fall Happiness

I love the fall. It's cool and crisp with the of this year. The colours are beautiful and the feelings of the up coming holidays bring joy to my soul. I love the holidays, thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas...check check and check, Love it!

I am hosting thanksgiving at my home this year and looking forward to getting the family together. I have not seen my brother in a few months, so I am looking forward to spending some time with him and his family. I of course am in the thick of the holiday baking. Which started right after the preserve season. I will bake now through to New years. I have a small business of selling bake goods; trays of sweets for parties, boxed selections for gifts and other goodies. I am doing pretty well at it, but it takes a lot of time management and organization, but so far so good...I even have a website, but it's under construction, but lots of fun.

I am really writing this post because I had my first honey crisp apple! I am an addict...Now! I am loving the honey crisp!

Happy thanksgiving to all our Canadian friends!

Things that make me rant out loud

Sorry for the delay in posting, still part time insane. I thought I would once again make a condensed post of my random rants.

1. Still losing my hair...God the stress is good....feel the burn. I am now pulling whookies out of my bath drain just for shits and giggles. I should sell them on ebay. I will look closer at them and see if I come across a whookie with the face of Jesus in it!

2. This is day two of stale humid air in my work place. For reasons I am unable to disclose via blog we are being forced to sit in our own sweat at our desks. Yesterday I thought I was going to slip into a coma of some sort.

3. I am so frick'n tired of Tim Hortons and the lack of brain cells required to do the job. I repeated my coffee order 3 times this morning, when I pulled up she had a medium coffee and a muffin...no sweetie....XL coffee 2 cream 1 sugar....that's it....fourth time. You know what her reply was, "HUFF". She huffed me for her stupidity. Then she handed me my coffee and huffed again as she said, "have a good day". Maybe you should use a Q-tip before slapping on the head set. Too bad I am addicted to the crack in the coffee or I would boycott.

4. I hate the people I drive to work with. The stupid barbie in an SUV doing her hair and make up in the rear view as she drive 33km down Burloak. (heavily use one lane road, post 60km) The fuckstick that sat at the drive way of Tim's for what felt like an hour with his left indicator on, only to turn right. The woman in the parking lot that insists on reverse parking but takes six runs at it as I "patiently" wait. You know what sweetie...you're embarrassing yourself. If you cannot swing your compact car into that spot in one pass then it is not meant to be. Reverse parking is clearly not your forte....let it go...just let it go. She did and basically abandoned her car 3 feet from the end of the spot and parked on a wicked angle so that no one else can park beside her....but she in folks.

5. MIL...will be the death of me for many reason, but this morning especially. Maybe I was edgy from being up from 4 am on due to terrible chest/back pains.
I sat baby girl in her chair this morning and gave her some water and a piece of banana to start her off while I made her toast. She ate a bite of the banana and then threw it to the dog. I scolded her and gave her the toast topped with my own homemade concord jelly. I am preparing my lunch when I look over and she is mashing the toast between her fingers and rubbing it in her hair. As I walk over to her she throws the toast to the dog. I was so mad I could have spit! IRIS!!!!!!!!! WE DO NOT EAT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!
Iris: OHHH Mommy mad and bangs her palms on her tray....she repeated this 3 or 4 times laughing in between.
I gave her another piece of banana which she seemed open to, but quickly became a mistake as she mashed it while she sang, " mash banana mash banana, hot ato hot ato (ato=potato)". God damn it...fucking wiggles.
How does this tie into MIL you ask. She is my daycare provider and has several meals with Iris during the week. I have witness a few of these meals and it is mayhem. Why give a year old a yogurt and a spoon and let her go at it. She will now always want to do it herself. It is all over the fucking place and although cute this time...not so cute after I have bathed her and got her dressed and trying to get her some breakfast before leaving for work. Not so cute in a restaurant or at a not so child friendly home. MIL sings the damn wiggles song with mash bananas while she's eating and lets her mash her food. Why the hell would you make that association for her. Lets her lift up her bowl and drink from it, or lick her plate...it's called a spoon and table manners. FRICK! Finally she lets her feed the dog when the meal is over or if she is done with something. So basically I can no longer take my kid out to eat as she is a pig at the table. I understand she is 17 months and she is going to make a mess, but she still needs to learn manners and the proper way to eat. This display of pig eating will not be cute at 7.

6. Iris's new word, ah shit...clear as day. I am surprised it's shit and not fuck as I have severe potty mouth...shocking I know, but true.

7. Catholic schools not wanting to really support the HPV vaccination at school because it promotes a message that the catholic school broad is okay with young girls/teens having sex. As HPV is caused by multiple sexual partners. The vaccine is really a wonderful break through in the cancer research. This could eliminate many cases of cervical cancers and it is now being researched that there is a possible link between HPV and the rise in brain tumors.
I think it is ironic that the Catholic school board is up in arms or HPV and sex, but is carefree about the dress code or lack there of, for their young female students. In efforts to protect our children I would not post pictures of what I see daily, but you have witnessed it yourself I am sure. On Monday I dropped of baby girl and there is a Catholic school a the top of MIL street. As I am driving up the street I notice a girl maybe about 17 walking ahead of me. Honest to God it looked like she was wearing a white dress shirt, a large knapsack and a pair of black shoes. It was like her knapsack had a pair of legs hanging from it. It was not until I got along side her that I could see her kilt aka plaid belt. Honestly, how do you let your daughter out like that. I know that some roll the waist but not the case here...her shirt was quite tight and that's a lot of rolling. I do not understand how they are sitting at school. There is no way they are sitting on their kilts. Ick...another use for lysol wipes. And those poor boys...they are just hitting the worst part of development, when their junk has a mind of it's own. These poor guys must have to tape it to their leg, just to get through the day. They cannot be learning much, not with all the images of naked legs, slight glimpse of a butt check bent over at the locker, tight white tops and a chance of rain. This is the real image the the Catholic school board is promoting...you can look at our young girls, but you can't touch. Sickos. Iris will be attending a catholic school and if I catch her wearing her kilt as a belt she'll be saddened. I will squeeze my plus sized body into her tiny kilt and walk her to school myself...that should fix it.

8. I have started a little business and it seems to be doing really well so far.

9. I am still having chest pains, but not as bad...despite not finding anything wrong. So I guess I am just going to live with it.

10. Cannot wait for the weekend!

Thanks for the rant and enjoy.

Going Crazy

Well from my lack of posting one could assume that I have been busy.

Your assumptions would be correct. It is really just day to day bullshit.

• my workload continues to be through the roof
• Back to school has impacted my commute as I knew it would...from 25 minutes to just shy of an hour and a half today. If you covered my drive in bat shit, rolled it maggots and force fed it too me...I couldn't hate it more.
• my stress and anxiety levels remain high resulting in poor body functions; hair falling out, throat closing, panicked breathing and my teeth are loosening
• I cannot get a good coffee these days as I am so late for work, I can't wait in the 22 minute Tim Horton's line up, So I am forced to drink country style....tasting much like cat piss with coffee grinds stirred in.
• I am experiencing little to no down time at nights which is mostly my own fault...making jams, jellies and pickles can do that to you.

I am sorry for the lack of post and will hopefully be back to some normalcy in October...maybe November to be realistic. Keep checking back I am bound to fire my stack about something.

Butt Juice

I have been crop dusted for the second time this week....Jesus Christ cook your food man!

For those who are not familiar with the term crop dusting; To crop dust is to walking in front of someone and release a slow, steady and silent fart. In most cases the "duster" (person releasing the gases) has been holding the fart for some time and the gases emitted are overwhelming and foul.

I walking down the hallway at work earlier this week, when the guy ahead of me laid a ferocious crop dusting. He was coming from the washroom and let it go. Honestly, was there a reason why he could not have done that in the restroom, other than the fact the stench would have made the tiles peel off the wall.

I was in the middle of saying hi to a co-worker as I passed her office when I realized what had occurred. That I was being overcome by the horrific smell of the inside of this guys colon. It smelt like a hamster with another dead hamster stuffed in it's butt, had crawled inside this guys ass and died. I was being consumed by it...it was in my mouth and had to be impregnating my clothing. I finally ducked into the ladies washroom where I washed my hands and face immediately. It was like being sprayed by a skunk, if by a skunk I meant a client's ass.

I hung out in there for a bit to allow the carpet in the hallway to unroll, and of course expressed my experience with the first co-worker I saw.

This afternoon I am walking down the hallway again and I had noticed someone leaving as they turned the corner at the far end. I walked not even 3 steps when I was engulfed in yet another crop dusting. You dirty Bitch...I even said it out loud. Why not there is no one around. This is what I thought until I hear footsteps and see a woman walking up the hall towards me. She is on her way to the washroom. Ah Christ, she is going to think that I am the one with dead hamsters stuffed up my ass. I of course had to follow her in and let her know that men are pigs.

Must post, must post....

Things have been a little wild and I have not had a chance to post.

Work has been beyond busy and has resulted in bring work home at nights which does nothing for my sex life let me tell ya. I hope that normalcy in the work place is restored soon, so the heart palpitations and hair loss will end.

Baby girls is cutting all four eye teeth and is having a real go with it. Poor thing is almost at the point of wearing a life jacket to protect her from drowning in her own drool. She is up through the night and is moody during the day...can't blame her her gums look horrific. In addition she just received her immunization on Friday and that is just adding salt to the wound. On the upside she is doing well according to the doctor. 83cm, 24.15 lbs and talking up a storm. Nothing sounds better after a tantrum than I sorry mama....and a kiss. I am seriously thinking of jumping back on the fertility wagon for another kick at the bucket.

My sister seems to be doing much better. She was in the hospital for a week and a bit and then back at the surgeons office for a consult. She was having terrible pain after eating and experiencing chronic low blood pressure. I mean really low...53/47...almost dead.

She was admitted into Milton hospital which is near her home. Now not to knock the hospital, I am sure they are wonderful for minor illnesses, broken bones, stitches, but I would not recommend going in with something mysterious like unexplained low blood pressure. The staff was nice enough, just no communication between the doctors.

She had one doctor in particular that was in my opinion was taking hit from the bong in the doctors lounge. He was about my age (30ish) and really I have no idea how he got his scrubs on all by himself. He was talking to my sister in this stoned monotone voice coming up with all sorts of ridiculous reasons for her low blood pressure. He finally stated that she was a bit of a mystery and continued muttering to himself as he walked out. The next night he came in while my sister was enjoying a Timmies coffee and announced to that he had been doing some research and may have come up with a diagnoses.

Dr.: Ah, do you like have coffee stains that come and go?
Sis: What?
Dr: a coffee stain. Do you have one that comes and goes?
Sis: Looking at her coffee and then looking at him says, Um I don't think so, but I am not sure what you are talking about.
Dr: Okay, no coffee stains (writes in her chart)....it turns out he was speaking about a cafe coloured birthmark that appears and then disappears for a few months/years.

Dr: I was reading about this man in the seventies that half of his head had hair and the other half was basically a giant birth mark. Do you think that might be you?
Sis: Eyes bugging out of her head, No. No, I think that I may have noticed that. Sis is beyond confused as he is looking at her in the flesh....can he not tell that she is probably not a candidate for that particular diagnoses.
Dr: Oh, um, yep you're a mystery and walks out muttering to himself.
Sis: Called me right away, and we killed ourselves laughing

She checked herself out the next day after he came back in stating that he was confirming her blood transfusion for 2 pm....after arguing with her about needing it he discovered she was the wrong patient.

Other than that I have not much more to report at this time. Just needed to get back into the posting game.

Hanging with the Frenchies

We recently got back from our first summer vacation in five years. Hubby and I decided that we should take the time and drive up to see his grandparents who are ailing, but by the grace of God are still around to enjoy Iris.

The grand parents are living in Port Cartier Quebec which is about 18 hours by car. Beautiful country side but a hell of a long journey with the Baby girl. The first night we drove as far as Trois -Rivieres and grabbed a hotel room for some much needed rest. I might mention that we arrived at the hotel around 12:30 am and baby girl was still awake.

On our journey between Burlington and Trois-Rivieres we encountered several funny events and odd sightings. One in particular that sticks out is Rosie's Family Restaurant in Colburg. We once again were placing our trust in Anna (GPS locater with a crack habit) and discovered that the only place to eat in Colburg was a funky (in the bad sense) Chinese restaurant or Rosie's. In my efforts to ward off food poisoning I choose Rosie's. We walked in and were greeted with old and tired early 1980's decor with all original silk flowers. This woman, we'll call her Rosie sloths her way over to us and asks;

Rosie: How many?

Hubby: two and a highchair please

Rosie: drags her 40 yr old virgin body to the back of the restaurant and sits us at a table directly on top of another couple.

Me: I am looking around at a vacant restaurant with approximately 20 other tables and give Mark the eye.

Hubby: can we sit here actually as he points to two tables over with a larger table and comfy bench seat on one side

Rosie: ummm ahhhh ohhhh well no because what if a party of six comes in...and she puts our menus down on the table for two.

Mark: looking around, says to me; yeah that's happening

Me: not likely and start pissing myself laughing

Rosie: leaves to the kitchen.

It took Rosie another 15 minutes before she brought drinks and took our meal order and another 30 minutes to whip up a two dollar grill cheese and a chicken club. In the mean time I used the facilities and I report that the toilets recline for your comfort.
I would not recommend stopping at Rosie's Family Restaurant...thanks Anna.

We decided to fill up our gas as we left Colburg and good thing. As soon as we crossed the boarder into Quebec the price of gas shot up from 96.1 to 109.5...and remained there for the rest of our road trip.

In Montreal we hit some serious construction which is pretty much on every road though out Quebec. They don't seem to have a construction schedule...more like they just release crews into the night and yell dig. By the time we hit Montreal they had closed the 40 (main highway) and we had to take a service road...losing an hour but confirming the myth that Frenchies love to yell. The culture on the service road that night was rich....Honking of horns, people darting out in traffic yelling and the man beside us that I like to call Mr. Tabornac. This guy had his fists up shouting Tabornac...honk AHHHH Tabornac...lol For those whom are not French Tabornac is a french curse, would be equivalent to our Fuck.

On the second day we passed through a small town called Donna Cona. They had the most beautiful little seaside homes with stone siding...so pretty. As we drove by I thought about how amazing it would be to live directly on the ocean like that. To be able to whale watch from your breakfast table, truly fantastic. Another point of interest was every ones obsession with the mail. We witnessed many folks waiting at the end of their driveways in anticipation for the mailman. Some we saw running from their home to gather the mail. One man in particular took his time as he waltzed down his driveway in only his bikini briefs...an image that we never leave me. I don't understand the excitement surrounding mail, but they certainly look forward to it...like Christmas everyday! We actually were lucky enough to see two whales on our ferry ride at Tadoussac...amazing.

















































We frequently stopped at many Tim Hortons along the way and we're exposed to an odd occurrence. Hubby would order the coffees and then the lady would ask, " do you want a straw"? as she hovered a plunging tool over the coffees.

Hubby: What? No

Lady: No Straw....starring at hubby like his face was on inside out.

Hubby: No Thanks

As he was walking out, he looked around he saw a sea of people with coffee cups with a straw in it. I finally asked a lady at the Provigo as she stated that they do it because the coffee is too hot. This made no sense to me as the straw has no cooling affects. You are now literally sucking the hot coffee from the bottom of the cup. I could not accept this as a valid answer...she was clearly just on the bandwagon and not aware of why. I later found out it is because they don't want to actually open the coffee when they are driving so they use the straw...no spillage. Yeah, no....I'll take the risk of 3rd degree tit burns...suck my Tims from a straw, sacrilege!




















The actually stay with the g-parents was great. They were so thrilled to see us and Iris. She put years on their lives for sure. They got a kick out of her being able to speak French and all her little antics. It was sheer joy and bliss for them.

The g-parents have a guest bed up stair and downstairs both super twin which equals super tiny when you are use to a King. I therefore took the upstairs and Hubby the downstairs. I slept well except for the trip to the can every 45 minutes. Not me, Pepere. He got up every 40-45 minutes to piss. It would not have been that bad if it weren't for the fact that he requires a walker to get around. I would wake to him getting up with a collection of small noises old people make and shuffling out of his room and down the hall to the bathroom, but not before he takes out every door frame along the way. He would get to his bedroom door and hook a wheel on the frame and instead of backing up for a second attempt, he would just continue to plow and push through until he was clear. Good God man....crash, shake, crash, bang, rattle, crash...shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, turn....crash, shake, crash, bang, rattle, crash....shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. Oh lord he is finally in the bathroom, but not out of the woods yet....KABOOM. My heart would stop every time....what the fuck....the old man must be in the tub. Nope when he gets to his 3 foot elevated toilet seat he throws the walker out of his way and it hits the tub. Son of a mother, I was there for four nights and every night I was convinced he had fallen. His piss was also filled with muffled commentary and farts...then the procedure back to the bed starts all over again....whole process 18 minutes. Not much sleep on this vacation that's for sure. Side note, I am not expert on geriatric navigation, but turning on a light may have helped him.















Over all we had a great time and so lucky to have grandparents in our Thirties. We left with an emotional goodbye and were on our way back home. I think for me it was hard to say goodbye to Memere, because I really bonded with her and since I lost my Nana whom I was so close to, it felt so nice to share that kind of relationship with someone else. If felt as thought I was having to say goodbye to my Nana all over again....kinda sad but would not have traded the experience for the world.

5 workdays

I meant to post this before my holidays, but ran out of time. I am a firm believer in not wasting a good blog and much like Aimee, I have unpublished blogs rolling around in my head and the only way to rid them is to post.

My last week before my vacation was a nutty one and I had many strange things happen to me so I figured that I would put the events to music. As you read the following events sing the Christmas carol tune of 12 days of Christmas.

On the first day of my work week the crazy things I see,

One pair of red dirty hooker knickers.

On the second day of my work week the crazy things I see,

Two steaming piles of human feces

and a pair of red dirty hooker knickers.

On the third day of my work week the crazy things I see,

Three cockroach "hotels"

Two steaming piles of human feces

and a pair of red dirty hooker knickers.

On the forth day of my work week the crazy things I see,

Four condom wrappers

Three cockroach "hotels"

Two streaming piles of human feces

and a pair of red dirty hooker knickers.

On the fifth day of my work week the crazy things I see,

F-i-v-e Pig-eon Car-cass-es

Four condom wrappers

Three cockroach "hotels"

Two steaming piles of human feces

a-n-d a p-a-i-r o-f r-e-d dir-ty hook-er knic-kers!

(taking a bow to your applause)

Yep...that was my work week...the topper was the red dirty hooker knickers that I found in our ladies washrooms. Picture me off to the washroom to brush my teeth after my 2pm coffee. I am brushing away when I look over to spot a red pair of dirty hooker knickers laying there on the floor not even four feet away from me. I had to take a double look, I mean that is not what I expected to see when I looked over. So I now have my toothbrush in my mouth and feeling a little nausea about nasty panties sharing the same air as my mouth.

I naturally reach into my pocket and pull out my cell to take a picture, as no one will believe me (you all think I exaggerate). As I am leaving the washroom I am troubled by the notion of what had occurred before I enter the facilities. I understand accidents happening. I am not better than everyone else...I too have been ill and shit myself, it happens. However, if your knickers are so soiled that you are no longer able to keep them on your body, do your really think that tossing them onto a public bathroom floor is the best idea. There clearly is a waste receptacle available and really a better choice for all.

I call them dirty hooker knickers as there seemed to be no clear soilage so they must be random sex panties. I am shocked by little, but this one certainly caused me to raise a brow and write a blog.

Tagged: Random facts

The Rules: Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The game rules are posted at the beginning of the post. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment to let them know they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Thanks Brianne....

1. I smell everything! It's true I cannot help myself and most of the time I don't even know that I am doing it. My sister and hubby were sitting on the couch with me one night watching TV, when they witnessed sniff the flyer I was reading. I admit that it is weird, and I am not sure why I sniffed a flyer, but I know what one smells like and it was a source of amusement for my family. I also know how my car cell charger smells before and after use...
   
2. Christmas is my ultimate favourite time of the year. In fact I sing Christmas carols year round...my favourite, Let it snow! I become a gentler kinder me. I love the baking, the visiting family and friends, the cards, the pretty gift wrapping, the good food and drink, the excitement of the little kids....everything about it really. I get super nostalgic and forgiving of all those whom I have ill feelings towards. If you wants back in my good books you should try to encounter me at the holidays after a glass of wine.


3. I am an over analysing, super organizing, list loving, neat freak...also known as a complete joy to live with. I cannot watch a program or commercial without uttering the words, "as if"... This then leads into a detailed break down of why the events unfolding before me are not realistic and complete bullshit. Hubby loses his mind every time and starts the crazy downward hands motions while he states, "God babe, it is strictly for entertainment purposes". Well, I don't find it entertaining and I also don't enjoy how easy it is to solve the CSI crimes within the first 20 minutes...Jesus! In Addition to analyzing, when I am stressed or upset I make lists of things to do then obsessively clean and organize...it brings me sweet joy...hubby, not so much.


4. I hate the sun...it's pure evil. I believe in SPF 6000 and lots of shade. I am pastie and proud of it. Tanning beds and oils should be banned....Jesus Christ, respect your skin. I see all these tanned wrinkled old people that look like dried dates and think to myself...that's some tan, she looks 60, but I bet she's 18. PS, Bleached platinum hair and the island tanned skin on a white girl is out! Bo Derek has returned to the ocean she once emerged from, get over yourself.


5. I get frick'n delirious if I go without a beverage for too long. I will go into a full blown fit of buckled over hysterical laughter accompanied with nasal snorts. I am completely taken over when the fits occur and unable to function. Although amusing, it is very unfortunate when I am driving on the QEW or moving large pieces of furniture. Note: Very embarrassing when I happens and I am alone...I look like I have mental health issues.


6. I am one funny bitch and I am proud to admit it. I enjoy making people laugh and entertaining them with my quick wit.


7. My real name is Katherine, but I go by Kate and my nick names are KIT KAT and Snakes, but I have also answered to Ralph, Sherman and Lang in the past.


8. Random health facts: I was 3 weeks over due and my mom and I almost died at my birth. I had croup every winter until I was 14 and whooping cough twice. I suffer from migraines. I have exceptional hearing. I broke my tailbone 3 times, fractured my skull and fractured 5 vertebrates in my back and neck. I have had a collapsed lung. I lost my first tooth at 7 (pulled) first real loss at 8 and I still have 2 molars that are baby teeth. I still have my appendix, but was never born with tonsils and I could die from a bee sting.

I never claimed to be right...you should all nodding your heads.

Who to tag that Brianne hasn't.....I think many on my friends list have done this already....

Hubby Jeff Jay

Respect my authoritah!

The Toronto Park Authority has got me by the tits. I have a permit to park at work and have had one every month since 2001. I had to give my permit spot up to a coworker when I left for maternity leave and since returning all hell has broken loose. A request was put in to get my permit reinstated, I was notified that there were outstanding infraction fines. To which I protested and ignored as I know that I have no outstanding tickets....besides they issued my a permit for April, May, June and July...so whatever.

My employer has been going back and forth with them and yesterday she informs me that the fines need to be paid before July 20th or my permit will be sold off to the public...yesterday was the 24th....

So my boss has handed me a report outlining my fines....

First infraction - expired time in green P lot on 5th/6th street - October 11, 2002...$3.25
Second Infraction - expired time in Green P lot on 7th street - July 17, 2006....$10.00

So lets work this out. According to the parking authority lady ALL fines must be paid each month or the following months permit will not be issued.

October 2002...I have had a permit since 2001 that is issued every month, therefore A) why would I then be parking in a paid lot when I have a permit to park behind my building and B) how have a managed to get permits issued every month up to this point?

July 2006...well my boss had to first tell me where 7th street lot was, and after discovering that it was south of Lakeshore and down the street, I said, "stop...listen to what you're saying....I am the laziest S.O.B ever...I would never park down the street to walk back to here". It's not me. A stronger fight is that during the time of the infraction I was on a Maternity leave. I don't live in Toronto and I don't travel to Toronto unless I am going to work. So how could I have parked in a lot that was unknown to me during my Mat leave. I did come into the office for a visit twice which both times I parked at the meters right outside the office doors....again lazy.

My boss took all this to the parking lady and basically she couldn't give a rats ass. It can't be fought and she is no longer interested in entertaining my plead...so I will be paying it I guess.

I know it is only $13 bucks...Thank God it could be more and according to parking lady...you will bend over and respect my authoritah!

QEW PIG!

This morning I was 10 minutes into my highway commute, left lane typical drive, when the silver VW Passot rolls down the window (automatic of course) and flings a wrapper out of his car. Up goes the window and he carries along with his drive.

My jaw is resting on my steering wheel. What the hell is wrong with people. Is littering not one of the fundamental rules we learn as a child.

• we do not hit
• we do not lie
• we do not bite
• we do not pinch
• we do run with scissors
• we wait a half hour after eating before swimming
• we do not play with matches
• we do not talk to strangers
• we look both ways
• WE DO NOT LITTER

We all know these rules yet the prick in front of me seems to think that the world outside of his precious car is his own personal toilet. Although I cannot remember the last time a threw a breakfast bar wrapper down the toilet, but I digress. I am now driving along fuming thinking this guy is a menace to society if he so easily tosses aside these simple social norms.

The next thing, down goes the window, out stretched is the arm and ditches a paper of some sort...a note or list if you will. I now am in complete shock. I mean this guy is just cleaning out his car and making a mockery of the rules. I would have loved to have slammed on my horn until he got the point, but I am a mother of a young child and being shot or knifed at the roadside is not an option...so I blog.

This piss ant drove right into Etobicoke dumping shit out of his car as he went merrily along. I did drive up along side of him before I got off and gave him the head shake of disgust, but that message wouldn't have made it through if I had actually grabbed him by his giant melon and shook it myself. I continued to work daydreaming about having a sunroof, pulling in front of him and unload the contents of my car out the hatch at a buck 130 or OHH OHH traffic stops and he is now behind a waste management truck and all of a sudden kaboom...his pretty car in buried in a mountain of crap...nobody injured of course. Haha...yeah that one is a good one...KAAABOOOM tee hee!

Sadly, he was my age and quite frankly my generation knows better than that. I had thought that we were more green forward, but he ruined that idea for me. He's just a self centered, lying, biting, eat while swimming, running with scissors, j-walking, talk to strangers, fire starting, litter pig with an immaculately detailed car.

Fan Club!

How nice is it on a Wednesday afternoon of an insane week to have a co-worker show up at your office door with flowers. Yep, flowers to me from her.

Morganna: Lays flowers on my desk

Me: Morganna! What is this...you did not need to do this.

Morganna: A little sunshine for you!

I have a little fan club here at work and she is in the top 10 for sure! She is a wonderful and strong woman who means a great deal to me. I have learned a lot from Morganna and she is always willing to sit and have a chat with me. She probably deserves the flowers more that I do, but I appreciate the sincere thought and spark of beauty the flowers have brought to my otherwise grey office.

Thank you Morganna you are wonderful!

Rich people hire painters!

After three years of living in a builder white house, we finally decided to paint. My dear hubby is all about the white, he loves white paint and white walls...lazy and unimaginative if you ask me.

Two weekends ago we painted the main level...big job, but it looks great. This weekend was the upstairs and the insane hallway leading upstairs. The Hallway is very high and we had originally decided that we would just pay someone to do it as neither one of us is experienced enough or have the equipment needed for the job. When Hubby's dad (WOP extraordinaire) heard this he said, "forget that I can do it...no problem I have the multi ladder and it will be easy. Don't waste your money". I think he believes that we would rather pay someone because we are too lazy, but whatever.

Cut to Saturday morning. My hubby is up on the staircase trying to configure this 8 in one ladder. When it fails he calls over his dad. Then the two of them are on the staircase with a ladder. I am in the ensuite painting when I hear CRASH...I ask my sister what is happening.

Sarah: Ummm Mark is lying on the floor
Me: Jesus fuck..is he okay (getting down from my ladder)
Sarah: I don't know I think he tripped up the stairs
FIL: Nope he fell off the ladder
Me: Babe are you okay
Hubby: Lying with his head in his hands...yeah I am winded
FIL: I am surprised the banister held up...lol
Me: Dad he is not to be on a ladder...he's an idiot without a helmet!

Everyone returned to painting and hubby peeled himself off the floor. On a side note the hallway looks great and in total hubby fell off the ladder 3 times...FIL nil.

Sarah a.k.a the Paint Witch, thankfully yet against her own will came to help us for the weekend. Took her a little bit to get into the groove with being distracted by the caulk and all, but she was indeed a big help. Even though her lack of painting skills equals a lot of touch ups for me. I know she snuck downstairs a few times I think for nourishment and beverage. She was complaining about being dizzy to which I replied with the my painting motto...Less complaining more painting!

I get focused and obsessive about projects of this nature...must carry on...must finish. I am a perfectionist I'll admit it...I am nuts but the two that I was working with are not. I too did not eat or drink and for those of you who have had the pleasure of hanging out with me during these times (Heather)...you know that without beverage I can get very giddie and loopy. This occurred many times throughout the day. I think I provided everyone some much needed entertainment. There is a downside to such dehydration...it burns when you pee...lol.

My hubby did sabotage my painting by distracting my with outings, so I was unable to finish everything. I still need to do all the trim in the hallway and upstairs. Also the office needs to be painted and everything needs to be put back in its place. I was lying in bed last night trying to get to sleep. I was tossing and turning just so unable to get comfortable. Hubby finally asked what my issue was. I tried to explain that I cannot sleep when order has not be restored. He laughed, patted me on the shoulder and returned to his slumber. It is true though, I hate an unfinished project and until the last picture is hung and all the paint cans closed up...I will not be at rest.

TOM TOM

We were invited to attend my aunt's birthday party in New Market back in June. I decided that we would leave early and stop at a nursery just outside of New Market to pick her up a gift certificate. Hubby decided that this would be a great opportunity to use his newest gadget TOM TOM. I had already called the nursery to confirm that they existed and whether or not they took debit...yes to both. I later went to their website to look up the address and noticed that they had GPS coordinates. This excited hubby and within minutes they were plugged into the TOM TOM.

Now lets discuss this little (or not so little) gadget. TOM TOM is the software, but hubby being the geek he is has made his own from random and spare parts. Not the sleek and elegant system that retails to the public, but rather this hideously large and awkward situation that rests between the gear shift and console. It also lacks accessories such as a stylist and instead hubby uses a chopstick to navigate his way through the touch screens. Of course this requires a slight tilt to be able to see the screen which requires one hand to steady the unit and one hand to operate the hi-tech chopstick....real safe.

Cut to the family in the SUV traveling down the 407 merrily on their way to New Market. All of a sudden the voice prompt for the unit...we''ll call her Anne.

Anne: Exit Right
me: What, why, aren't we taking the 407?
Hubby: Yeah, she wants us to take the 403 to the 401 to the 400
Anne: Exit right in 4km
Me: But we are on the 407
Anne: Exit Right now
Hubby: I know but..
Anne: Exit now!
Hubby: She is wanting the 401 route.

So we continue with the 407 and the unit is flipping maps and trying to reconfigure what we have done. Anne gets herself back on track and we carry on towards our destination. At canal rd. Anne is back.

Anne: Exit Right in 3 km
Anne: Exit right
Anne: Next left turn left
Anne: Turn left
Anne: veere right in 4km
Anne: Veere right
Anne: Next left turn left
Anne: Turn Left
Anne: You have now reach your destination

Horse shit....We are sitting out in the middle of nowhere...fields.

Me: your TOM TOM sucks ass
Hubby: I am following the coordinates that you gave me.
Me: No, Anne doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

We continue driving. What the hell are we going to do now. We need a gift for my aunt. Where the hell are we going to go now. Hubby whips out his chopstick and is now looking for points of interest and finds snowball nursery and garden centre. Off we go. We finally arrive in town and it looks promising.

Anne: Next left turn left
Anne: Turn left

We carry on

Anne: Next right turn right
Anne: Turn right
Anne: you have now arrived at your destination
Me: the fuck we have.

We are in what will be a new housing development in a few months. Seriously, Anne needs to pull her head out of her ass.

Hubby: The maps are not able to know when a destination has become a building development.
Me: Then what is the point of having a navigation unit. I could get us lost the old fashion way.

So hubby is now looking up another point of interest....

We did this six time before we found a great one 2 blocks from my aunts home by chance on our own. Thanks for nothing Anne!

He now wants to take is shitty little unit to Quebec with us...No harm I guess, I'll send post cards...I hear Newfoundland is beautiful this time of year!

Pick your seat!

I was listening to the Derek the Blind Movie Reviewer on the the edge this morning and realized that there are several movies out that I would be interested in seeing. Most people would just plan to go see a flick this weekend, but I have issues with going to the movies. In fact that last time I was in the movie theater was to see White Chicks.

I have a phobia about my personal space. I don't mind having my friends or family entering my "safety circle", but random individuals...that's another story.

I never go to a movie the first three weeks of being released. A sold out theater is my inner circle of hell. If I do actually go to a theater I like to be there early so that I can scope out the joint and get a suitable seat. Picking a seat is take serious consideration. I don't want to be to close to the front, I have no interest in the DNA rows which are the famous back rows...I was a teen I know first hand what goes on there, it should be quarantined. I like the short rows that have only 3 or 5 seats in them. This lessens the chance of having some irritating fuck sit down beside me.

I remember being out with hubby for a date night and we went to the show. I cannot even tell you what we saw, how sad. I like to claim that I have ADD, but in reality I am just impatient and easily distracted. I remember the theater being quite full, but we were able to find suitable seating in one of the short rows. So the movie is just about to start and this guy comes over and parks his ass right beside me. I sort of look over my shoulder and to the side to seem if indeed this was the only available seat, it was not. I would never cozy up to someone that I didn't know, his thought process when he selected his seat was clearly the furthest from mine.

His guy we'll call him Dick, has taken over the arm rest and now I am sitting there squashed between my hubby and Dick as the lights dim. Sitting in the dark with a random stranger brushing up against your arm is a complete violation of personal space. About a half hour has passed and I am trying to focus on the movie and hopefully laps into my happy place when Dick starts moving around and getting restless. I look over and he is now digging in his knapsack. He pulls out a can of pop, cracks it open and places a straw in it. Super....I thought that when he came in with no food that this was my silver lining, but I was wrong, he's just cheap.

Back to the movie....crowd laughing, someone coughs, oops someone else coughs, another, then another! Good Lord shut up...TB is spreading like wild fire apparently, must be something that mutated from the DNA rows.

okay...movie focus....crowd laughing, I am lost due to the excessive coughing but I think I can pick it up. She love him, he loves....Russel, no wait he doesn't love Russel, Dick is rustling again. I look over and good old Dick has dug out a ziplock bag of baby carrots. He is ramming 2 in at a time in his bong hole. Crunch crunch crunch.....heavy nasal breathing.....Crunch crunch crunch....heavy nasal breathing...Crunch, oh I am going to lose my mind. Hearing someone chewing is my ultimate pet peeve. It really makes me want to harm people. Dick proceeds with his snack.

Okay Okay movie...right...I sit twitching with every crunch and am desperately wanting to get lost in this movie, but I so distracted. Look over at hubby...fixated. Okay you can do this. We must be an hour in or more by now. She loves him, he may love her, this girl...I don't know who she is, why are they in the desert now, they were in the city? Oh he's having flashbacks to the desert, no he's dreaming we're okay their in the city....SSLLUURRPPP!!!!!!!

Dick is going to town on that straw and is trying ever so hard to get that very last drop. See Dick, See Dick chase a drop of pop around the bottom of the can, See dick lose consciousness, See Kate twitching with a bloody fist. I didn't really hit him, but I wanted to!

I have now lost all interest and hope in ever understanding the plot to this movie. Everyone else including hubby and Dick seem to be enjoying it. I guess the best I can do is sit here and try to assume myself without harming Dick. I am getting anxious and can think of a thousand things I could be doing instead of this. I start getting restless myself and then it occurs to me that my feet are stuck to the floor. What the hell, as I peel my shoes up from the stick. That's disgusting, are they not cleaning this place between shows. I am sure one would notice pop running down the rows, I guess not! Oh God I hope it is pop and not run off from the DNA rows. I wonder how many dirty arms have been on these arm rest? Peel my feet up again, "that is some serious stick". Oh God that gross. I bet I am sitting in a fart seat. Yep that is a seat that has been repeatedly farted in...sick. I can feel myself getting hot and just as I about to bolt from the theater the lights come up. There is a calming hum from everyone talking about the movie. I look over at Dick and he is packing up his knapsack, hubby interrupts my snarling glare and asks me how I liked the movie? I basically shovel him into the isle and stated, "it was frick'n wonderful...2 hours and 15 minutes that I'll never get back!

Look out Bikini Villiage!

I am not sure what everyone else purchases at the grocery store, but I can tell you there is nothing fun on our list. I was at the local Fortino's on Sunday with baby girl to pick up a few things and I couldn't help but notice what people had in their carts in my line. It was amazing...I was gaining weight just standing beside it all.

We have a motto in our home, "If it's white, it ain't right". Basically this translates into whole wheat multi grain everything. Everyone knows of my husbands obsession with fibre and I am obsessed with everything healthy. We (no kidding) spend at least 30-50 dollars on produce a week sometimes more depending the season. I am gawking at the carts cookies, ice cream, crackers, chips, frozen meals.......drool. There is absolutely none of that in my house, okay I have thinsations for cookies (lunches), mini chef ice cream bars (so tiny) for ice cream and this week I treated myself to a pack of buckwheat noodle and a tin of lychee fruit. I bet you all want to come for a sleepover eh!

I have been back to work of 10 weeks now and every day I bring my lunch which consists of a container of fruit (raspberries, blue berries, strawberries, sometimes grapes, mango or water melon), and a sandwich usually a slice of turkey breast with honey mustard on a PC bun. I might have a pack of thinsations later and another coffee. Yep that's lunch, breakfast and dinner are just as exciting.

Last week I was back at the specialist and he weighed me....I am down 15.5 oz IN 9 WEEKS!!!! Look out Bikini Village here I come. I was thinking of picking up something strapy so that I look like a strung roast!
Are you fucking kidding me. I'm eating fricking rabbit food and being ever so careful as my coworkers are ramming takeout down their bong holes and I have only lost in ounces. Previous blogs would indicate that I don't exercise, but who does really? I don't really know anyone that hits the gym or fitness routine religiously.

The cardiologist says that my test all came back fine and that there is no indication of heart problems so I was probably right to think that I am suffering from anxiety attacks....yeah thanks. However, he would like to do one more stress test....baaahaaa! Yep, this one will be the same as the last, but I will have an ultrasound on my heart before and immediately after the test. If this shows no issues then I am fine. I cannot imagine that my experience will be any better. I look forward to all the tape and the gentle pep talk the fitness technician!