Monday, April 30, 2007

Tight Pants

I am back at work and basically hit the floor running. I arrived to find two doe-eyed students standing in my office doorway....my summer staff. They are eagerly looking to me for instruction and orientation. Are they kidding me, do they know I had to ask the lady in the Tim Hortons drive thur speak what I wanted this morning?

As I was trying to string a sentence together and appear professional I was reminded of one of my first days at this place.

I was hired on every summer just as these two were, to work the summer program. This is the summer I met Merissa, my current boss just over 5 years ago. We were hired on together as the summer counsellors and met briefly at the interview. Really we were strangers.

I was getting ready the morning of my first day, the only day to make a first impression. I had decided that I was going to wear my favourite brown pants and a chunky cream cable knit sweater. When I got up that morning I realized that my favourite pants were a little snug. Okay snug is a poor choice of words seeing that I practically had to lie down to do them up, but they were my favourite and despite being tight...they didn't look tight, they actually looked good. (I was much skinnier then). I was running late and figured that they would loosen up over the day, as they were freshly washed...the ladies know what I am talking about.

As I was driving into work I was distracted by the uncomfortableness of my pants and began to think that I had made a fashion mishap, but I couldn't turn back now. I got to work and Merissa and I got the grand tour and staff introductions which took about an hour or so. I was beginning to feel the constriction of my pants so bad that it was 3 weeks before I learned have the names of the people on the tour. We returned back to our office and I was feeling like my pelvis was going to snap. Merissa (still clueless to my pant situation) and I got settled into our new office and then there it was....my chair! I began to sweat a bit, Merissa sitting and spinning around in her, asks whats wrong?
Me: what...distracted by the crushing pain.
Merissa: whats wrong have a seat
Me: right a seat, yeah in a bit
Merissa: did you want this desk
Me: no, no this is good. it's um, well ahh shit it's my pants.
Merissa: what
Me: my pants, I am wearing tight pants and I think I am doing internal damage as we speak.
Merissa: they don't look tight
Me: I know, they look good eh, But they might actually be the death of me
Merissa: is now killing herself

I ease down into my chair with a slight moan and while sitting on a 120 degree angle, try to figure out how the hell I am going to make it through the rest of my day. Tracy my best friend and boss at the time comes into the office and I am doing a shallow pant. The act of breathing was agonizing. Merissa informs her that I am wearing tights pants and not functioning. They are both laughing when I realize what the hell am I going to do if I need to pee? If I undo these pants it's over. I ask Tracy, as my best friend and someone who has committed to this relationship, if she is prepared to assist me in the washroom with getting my pants back on? Now her and Merissa are laughing and I am trying not to but the pain is making me delirious. I am serious, if I undo these pants I will never get them back up and it will be a tad obvious that I am walking around the office with my pants wide open. I am going to need help...I had visions of me rolling around on my back on the bathroom floor heaving on my zipper. I decided then that peeing was no longer an option, so I will forgo lunch and any beverage.

I spend the next two and a half hours pacing around our office moaning, "ohhh my pants, my tight pants". My mom calls and Merissa answers, she is laughing so hard that she can hardly stand. My mom is calling to check up on my first day. All I could manage to get out is, "ma somethings gotta give". I finally explain to her that I have the tightest pants in the world on and I might die. She informs me that I should have made a better selection. Why would I leave the house with tight pants, don't I know that that the body expands throughout the day. That they will just get progressively worst. What was I thinking? Merissa is killing herself.
Finally Tracy let us go home early as I swore I was internally bleeding. I drove home with my pants around my thighs and wore a sundress the next day.

Ladies my advise if the pants are snug, the shoes hurt while walking to the car or the sweater is itchy...it will NOT get any better and will only consume your day. On the flip side it will make you giggle at random times like during your orientation with new staff.

2 comments:

Linda said...

oh....the things we do to look somewhat good! Remember the green garbage bag and string thing that was suggested for my honeymoon...now that was FASHION FOR THE BEDROOM! Looking like a potroast was putting it nicely!
I remember in my skinny days, doing up the zipper on my RoadRunner jeans with the help of a hanger they were so tight!
Good Story Kate, You always make me smile!!

Heather said...

Now why is it that I can just picture something like that happening to you! I got a good chuckle out of you and don't you know it..this is how all great friendships are formed! Remember driving the QEW with no glasses and the 407 with the fog and the chocolate milkshake?! LOL