Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ah, What the figgy pudding!

If Mrs. Clause married the Grinch himself.
I am not exactly sure what went wrong with his childhood, but somewhere along the way my husband has developed a serious disgust for the holidays. Every single one of them, but Christmas is the worst.

He hates the tree trimming.

Despises holiday shopping.

Rejects the comfort in having friends and family near.

The caroling makes him want to vomit....blah blah humbug.

I have my theories being a social worker what the issues at hand may be, but that is another post. The fact that he hates Christmas and I simply adore the holiday to it's fullness, is a true test of our marriage. I have been given strict instructions since the day we were married, that under no circumstances is a Christmas decoration allowed to be displayed in our home before December first! I sit anxiously and patiently every year pleading that November is a perfectly acceptable time to put up a tree. I parade him up and down the isles at Costco where the Christmas decorations fight for positioning among the Halloween decor in October. He's reply is always a glare and an abrupt NO!

This year he made a grave error. He took me to Fankenmuth, Bronners to be exact....the happiest place on earth. Bronners is a massive Christmas store open 361 days of the year. My trip to this Christmas wonderland sparked my Christmas spirit early this year. My return in November did not help, in fact my second visit catapulted my glee for the season into overdrive.

Hubby left for sunny California last Friday and returns this Saturday morning. I have never really been one for respecting or adhering to the regulations of glorified authority figures...you know security guards that carry a Maglite, the green smock ladies at the hospital, librarians, my husband.

So I decided, what the figgy pudding, it will be December first by the time he opens our front door...lol I have DECORATED and I am bursting with holiday cheer.

In case he is lurking, "SUCKER, Merry frick'n HO HO"!

P.s. The kid is on my side!

Santa Baby!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Oh Shit My Sides Hurt from Laughing!

I was recently forwarded this email and I laughed so hard I was compelled to share it with everyone I know via blog.

Enjoy folks!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Hating this week.

I am currently sitting at my desk listening to Christmas carols over the net as it makes me happy. Christmas is my most favourite season ever and carols help soothe the anxiety attacks and rage I have during my work hours.

Yesterday was the closest I have ever come to picking up my purse and walking out...just one of those horrific days that kept getting worse. I am actually surprised that I left last night still employed, as I was convinced that I would quit or be fired...either way leaving without a job.

On my drive home I thought of my day and others work ethics of lack there of, an came up with a new reality show...urban survivor. You take 16 not-for-profit employees and place them into the corporate world, (lets say where Linda and I use to work together) and leave these poor people there to work for one month. Now that's quality viewing! Linda would be Jeff in this spin of survivor.....ahhh lol good times!

Adding insult to injury, the drive was ridiculous at one hour and 45 minutes. Tim Hortons was as disappointing as ever and I drove away with my diaper bag on the top of my car last night. I was only five minutes away when I realized what had happened. I called the in laws and asked them to take a quick look for me. I turned around and made my way back to their place keeping my eyes peeled for the bag. I met my FIL at the end of his street carrying my bag. I discovered that it had been opened and gone through...all the little zippers and pockets violated. Seriously, what the fuck did you think you'd find other that diapers and wipes. It is clearly a diaper bag and if you had found money, would you have really stolen it from a mom you filthy pig. I breathe deeply and hope for Karma!

Today...not that much better, but short of winning the lottery there is not much I can do.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Jingle all the way!

As the snowy weather approaches I am reminded of a tale that I will never live down. To this day my dear friend Linda chuckles as she tells the punch line.

I had just graduated from college, I was purchasing my first home and about to be married in less than a years time. The company in which I currently work for was not hiring, but could foresee an opening with in the year. They told me to find a job for the time being and they would let me know when they had an opening. After a few weeks of realizing that I am about to take on the world unemployed and panicking about what I was going to do...my friend Linda came through.

Linda approached me one night at pool. She stated that her company was looking for temp help and would I like a job. Linda worked for an industry that I knew nothing about. It was corporate and I was a certified tree hugger, I did not think I could do it. However in the always encouraging manner Linda proclaimed, "You can do it. You just need common sense stupid". I took the job.

To be honest, it was the first "real" job I had ever had. My first corporate experience in an unforgiving industry. I needed a mentor and their was Linda. I her grasshopper, she my mentor. Linda is one of the kindest, loyal, generous, loving, intelligent, shoot from the hip, don't talk to me today if you want to live, bitches I have ever met. She's great, but will take you out in a moments notice if you fuck with her or her family. I love her!

So I am the temp which equals new girl bring coffee. Everything is going well and my contract continues to be extended and I am making my mentor proud until one fatal error.

At the time I was living with my parents in Mississauga and had woke at my normal time to find a shit load of snow had and continued to be falling. I proceeded with my shower and getting dress all along with the looming drive hanging over me. I hate driving in snow and at that time was ridiculously paranoid about it. I grabbed my purse and headed out to the highway listening to the traffic report which only fuelled my anxiety. It was still dark and snowing as I entered the on ramp of the 403. I managed 2 exits when I witnessed a car skid off the road and end up in the ditch. I lost what little nerve I had and proclaimed that no job was worth my life...drama queen. I exited at the next ramp and went back home. I was freaked out, but I realize now that cars don't just fly off the road...that perhaps he was driving at an unsafe speed and in a dangerous manner causing him to leave the road way that day.

I returned back home 30 minutes later, slightly shakened. I proceeded upstairs to my bedroom, changed into my p.j's and robed, went back down to the kitchen and made a half coffee half hot coco, flicked on the fireplace and joined my mom in the living room.

Here is the error. I picked up the phone and called Linda, whom of course was already at work (she's a keener) and foolishly began telling my story. You tell me where I may have gone wrong.

Lin: Good morning
me: Hey Lin
Lin: where are you
Me: I am sitting in on the couch, in my pjs, in front of the fire sipping a hot coco! giggle giggle
Lin: WHY!
Me: It's snowing
Lin: No Why are you not here?
Me: (gulp...and in a louder voice) It's snowing
Me: Lin? (the silence was the key that we were no longer on the same page)
Lin: yep
Me: it's snowing too bad here. I started out and then a car....(I was abruptly cut off)
Lin: So I will see you when?
Me: (cute peppy voice) Tomorrow...I'll bring coffee :O)
Lin: yeah so you are sitting on the couch curled up with a coco in front of the fire and you won't be in today, am I right.
Me: Yeah sorta sorry...I feel bad, but it's...(cut off again)
Lin: Insert scary laughter...ooooo-kay. So not at all today. Not even later when it's not snowing, like when they have cleared the roads? Not then, not today eh?
Me: oh you're mad at me
Lin: still laughing....you have a good day with mommy now....click
Me: dial tone...okay you too.

The rest of my time there (which looking back is a surprise that I had anytime left) was spent trying to live down that day. Why I didn't just call in sick...period was beyond me. Why I thought that because it was Linda a friend, that she'd go easy on me, is a mystery. I plead young and stupid and seriouly lacking common sense afterall.

The out come of this little story has been interesting though. Firstly I feel guilty beyond belief when I rest in bed for a while, nap or call in sick for anything. Secondly, I subconsciously inherit ted Linda's above standard work ethic, and my team thanks you Linda. I am the biggest bitch when it comes to people calling in. It drives me to hear about their sniffles and such. One ex-coworker called and said she wasn't coming in because they were calling for snow! It hadn't even snowed yet like in my case. I didn't take it lightly...Linda you'd be proud.


Thursday, November 01, 2007

Thanks MP

So All that is Highlited is something I have done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (not)
2. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (does Diamond Head count...that ended well)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (Ick no)
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (touched one)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (no thanks, they'd just ruin it by wanting sex)
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (I'm a tree hugger)
10. Bungee jumped (not on your life...or mine for that matter)
11. Visited Paris (would like to)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (no, but it would be a sight I am sure...I have seen a lighting ball)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (oh to be young again)
14. Seen the Northern Lights (yep...beautiful)
15. Gone to a huge sports game (unfortunately)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (every year)
18. Touched an iceberg (not sure I want to get that close)
19. Slept under the stars (yep not as romantic as it sound...dew it's a bitch
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (shit yes)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (sounds nice but not a fan of a basket being the only thing between me and the ground)
22. Watched a meteor shower (on the beach...perfect make out)
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (so good and I will do it again)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (I bad for it)
27. Had a food fight (wouldn't be a thanks giving without one)
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (Royal winter fair...get on it)
33. Seen a total eclipse (In every sense...Yep looked right at it...grade 5...prayed every night for a year later that I would not wake up blind)
34. Ridden a roller coaster (yep and hate it every time)
35. Hit a home run
36.Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (although I am accused of it often...aunt and pants....soft a people)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer (I probably do...ask the geek I married)
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (nah)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (yeah no)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving...Lucky if you can get me in a plane let alone to jump out
51. Visited Ireland (would love to)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them (not by choice)
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (OCD baby)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (hated it)
59. Lounged around in bed all day (yeah but felt really guilty about it)
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving.
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (way better then sharing my personal space)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (Just did...small and young)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (Mexico)
70. Taken a martial arts class (Judo)
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (oh lord)
72. Gotten married (yep!)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced (shit I hope not...invested way too much time already)
76. Gone without food for 5 days (IV Count...make it 10 then)
77. Made cookies from scratch (of course...how else do you make cookies)
78. Won first prize in a costume contest ( when I was a kid and a company picnic)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo (yep, would like more)
81. Rafted the Snake River (not)
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” (nope, just as a person trapped in a car)
83. Gotten flowers for no reason (my geek loves me)
84. Performed on stage (taa daaa...another blog perhaps)
85. Been to Las Vegas (hate that flight)
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark (no we have a respect thing for each other)
88. Kissed on the first date (kiss...interesting approach)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house (twice...scares the shit out of me everytime)
91. Been in a combat zone (other than my place of employment...no)
92. Buried one/both of your parents (shit no...that makes me sad)
93. Been on a cruise ship (Oh lord I throw up on the ferry ride to Toronto Island...I am a real treat)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in the process)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (no too close to stalking for me)
98. Passed out cold (yep)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country (My ass is not pretty on a bike seat)
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery (reconstructive)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't’t have survived (hoooya)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (my letter to the editor made it)
106. Lost over 100 pounds (probably should...I did give birth to a 10lb baby...it's a start)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane (fuck no...and count your blessing that I haven't)
109. Touched a stingray (no....again with the mutal respect thing)
110. Broken someone’s heart (maybe...I would like to think that I have impact on those I tango with)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show (nope, but it would be nice)
113. Broken a bone (Yep...5 in my back/neck, tailbone 3 time and 3 in my foot...and my skull)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears (no but love the lip)
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (yep whata rush)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild (ahhh no)
118. Ridden a horse (for sure)
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet (ICK)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (Yep fell off a balcony once...another blog....concussion)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents (lord these people have money)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi (yum)
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed ( now that's a sight)
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (soooo, good...pickle green tomatoes too)
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey (I don't have that type of attention span)
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (my dad hunts)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you (could have)
145. Had a booth at a street fair (should have)
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life (child choking on a sour key ring)

Enjoy and thanks for the waste of time...lol