Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Cyclist Should Be Shot

I arrived at work and it took me an entire half hour more due to the launch of bike week and two brave cyclists. I say brave only because they dared to cross me this morning and attempted to survive while doing so.

What the hell is wrong with these people. I know people like to bike, I don't know why, but I do know that there are trails and mountain bike courses and off road areas available to them. As if drivers at 8 in the morning do not have enough to deal with on the road.

This morning I got off the highway at ErinMills as it was at a stop and took the service road. I wasn't not on that for 5 minutes before I found myself taking a detour through soccer mom, school zoning hell, due to road repairs. I finally get back onto my charted route and here we go a cyclist nope make that two, on Mississauga Road. For those of you not familiar with Mississauga road it is beyond packed in the mornings as it is the only access to the QEW for the yuppies. It's one lane south bound (my direction) and it's very narrow. Really not a road designed to carry heavy volumes of content traffic.

So some dumb dart who has been watching BTV and has heard that it is bike week, has decided to get himself a shiny new helmet and an alarmingly tight spandex unitard and bike to his job downtown.
He and some other social reject on wheels, are riding their little bikes all the way from Mississauga Road at the Service Road to Cawthra and the Lakeshore where I was finally able to grab a break-a-way and pass the bastards.

Apparently by law I am to accept this road sharing crap as they have the right to the road. Really...I find this interesting. I am puzzled how one might think that throwing a 7lb bike and a 97lb rider a.k.a Urban Jockey, in the mix with 3 ton trucks, school buses, SUV's and your everyday car might be a good idea. They should have warning labels on the helmets reading, "Sweetie, this little shiny helmet is just to scoop your remains up with, not in any way for your protection". I mean motorcycles have enough trouble sharing the road with vehicles and they are able to keep and exceed the speed of those around them. But that's just my opinion and I although kind, I am a cynical bitch.

Now these two were I my opinion not qualified to put there own pants on let alone be called experienced Urban Jockeys. Going 15k down almost the middle of a narrow road repeatedly looking over your shoulder at the driver who is ready to clip you is not experienced. Get the hell off the road. It literally took ever fiber of my being and every ounce of my "do good" philosophy to keep from doing us (the rest of the irate drivers behind me) a favour and shooting these two freaks.
Hey here's an idea, if we want cyclist to share our roads lets give them a lane of their own. Two cars don't travel in the same lane side by side trying carefully not to hit each other, because we all have a right to use the same road. Get your own damn lane and get some real clothes.

Ever imagine the state these people turn up to the office in. Sweaty and smelling like fear mixed with diesel exhaust. They are sucking on an abused water bottle like it's some nectar of the Gods, panting and wiping the slight drool from their chin with the back of their hand. Standing there inside your office door stretching in an inappropriate manner and talking to you about their awesome ride, but you cannot hear a word they are saying because you are so distracted by the fact that you are having to view parts of this guy that only his wife or doctor should have to endure. All the while frantically trying to keep your breakfast down as you involuntarily picture his 97lb naked frame and that wee package in colour.
P.S. attention men, does that thing shrink when you ride? If not I plead to you please, please, P-L-E-A-S-E lose the spandex unitard, for the love of all that's holy!

I once worked with a guy that ran during his lunch hour. Now my opinion of runners is pretty much the same as cyclist, but I digress. I know first hand the visual that I am outlining for you and really after that encounter could you really respect this guy, especially as your senior? I just got the giggles and than horror flashbacks.
People do me a favour if you like to bike:

  • Keep it to a trail or at the very least a wide laned roadway with room to pass your ass
  • Loss the unitard
  • want to preserve the environment, take transit, roller blade or walk better yet stay home

Bike Bitch

Signing off


Anonymous said...

The problem is not the bikers, it´s drivers like you. You are the ones belching out pollution with your daily car commutes. So what if they show up to work sweaty? They´ve done something positive in their commute, what have you done?

Also, perhaps if you gave biking a chance you wouldnt be so fat.

Beware: Social Worker on the edge said...

Chicken...Enjoy the unitard!