Thursday, May 03, 2007

Naked in my kitchen!

This morning I awoke and started my morning routine; shower, dress and get Baby girl ready. I kissed hubby goodbye (still in bed) and made my way down to the kitchen. I was there about 10 minutes when I swung around to find my husband standing there naked in our sun filled kitchen. Our kitchen is not exactly private. I have horizontal blinds on the two windows, but the window on the garden door I keep bare to allow the maximum amount of light stream in. So there's hubby with his twig and berries hanging out for the world, while the young children behind us sit in fear as they eat their wee breakfast.

Me: babe, what the hell?
Him: I coming to feed the dog.
Me: you cannot come down here like this....hello naked
Him: This is how I come down every morning
Me: Oh My GOOODDDDD you are the fat naked guy off of Friends. I am married to that guy.
Him: what, I don't care
ME: clearly!

Needless to say I fed the dog, while I insisted that he stand in the other room with baby girl.
There is only something like forty feet between the neighbours and our house and some of them are on a higher elevation so they have the best seats for hubby's little show.

I wasn't so upset about it when he was doing it in the winter when it is still dark but now it is just inappropriate. I haven't even eaten yet for Christ Sakes. He hears me protest all the time about the neighbour behind us that thinks shirts are optional and that I don't need to be looking at the neighbours freckled back and love handles thanks. Yet here is hubby with his sac blowing in the morning breeze, while he lets the dog out and feeds her.

I especially love when hubby is on call with work (every third week) and he gets calls in the middle of the night. A call from a client requires hubby to use the phone and his laptop and in an attempt to not disturb the sleeping, hubby goes downstairs to work.

So off he goes sneaking downstairs at 4 in the morning, turns on the kitchen light and sits at our glass table with his laptop and phone in hand....naked! I wonder what the hell my neighbour thinks as she peers out the window while she waits for a bottle to heat up for her baby that has woken. To see naked guy on the phone and laptop at 4 am naked and tossing his balls around! She thinks OMG his poor wife!

Yep I forgot to mention, mostly because every woman that knows my husband knows he is the ultimate ball handler. I think it maybe a form of paranoid OCD.

Hubby's inner dialogue:
Have they fallen off? No they can't fall off.
But what if I am missing a nut? No I am sure they are both okay.
I should check, but I am standing in La Senza Girls leaning against a tweenie pantie display and my wife is way over there.... oh man.
(begins to get anxious) I am sure no one will notice if I do a quick inventory of my boys, will they?
Somethings not right though (sweating and bouncing on the spot slightly) They are heating up and beginning to itch. Maybe it's scrote cancer! Ahhh God the itch......AHHH, oh Yeah, that the shit...yep all is good here!

ME: Giving my hubby the death stare as he tosses around a handful of sac, while mothers quickly usher their girls out of the store in horror.

Him: What....


Heather said...

Something tells me that if we knew all that our dear husbands did when we are not home, we might never come home again! But yeah, this is a classic..right up there with the conversation with the police on the balcony, I'm thinking!
On a more positive note, I hope that your first week back at work hasn't been too traumatic for you. It gets easier from here, right?!

Anonymous said...

Oh Kate! I'm so glad you got him! I'm grateful that my hubby is a little more discreet with his ball sac! He's always had to be with the 3 girls in the house...your's will too once Baby Girl is aware of the offensiveness! Or so we hope!

Aimee said...

Ah hahahahaha

Kate...? You're hilarious.