Friday, June 10, 2005

Bring in the clowns!!!

I woke up this morning feeling a little hung over. I could understand this if I had actually consumed some alcohol, but no such luck. What we have here is sleep deprivation at it's best.
A co-worker referred to me this morning as less than cheery and not a morning person. She was clearly making a blanket statement about every morning and not just today in particular.

I am the worst sleeper. Like most people I love to sleep, but it never happens for me unless I have consumed large amounts of alcohol or I take sleeping pills. Which now only happens when I am very sure that I am not preggers.

I go up to my bed at 10 and hubby and I usually watch a half hour of tv and I am for sure lights out by 11, if not earlier. So we are lying there and I can tell by hubby's breathing that he is already asleep. I just turned out the light, how is he asleep? So I wake him up, " Are you sleeping already (he loves this game)"? He kind of shouts at me and turns back over. I count....1, 2, 3, .... 11, 12....17 dammit he's sleeping again, 17 seconds! If I am feeling exceptionally cruel I continue to wake him up another 4 or 5 times to notify him of how quickly he fell asleep that time. Sometimes he laugh, but mostly it's groggy shouting which is still amusing.

So the lights are out, hubby is boring and I am wide awake. I have my eyes shut and I am trying to slow down my breathing and fall asleep, but things keep jumping into my thoughts. It's like a black tv screen with different images that pop up. Sometimes it's reflection on the day or a replay of a conversation that I had with someone. Sometimes it's creative and I get ideas about paint colour, landscaping, or organizational projects. At times it's something that I find exceptionally funny (hubby loves this one) and I break into giggles and nose snorts. Other times it is a panicked realization that I have forgotten to pay a bill 5 days ago, lock a door (and it is usually not to do with my home), call someone back, or finish something that was needed at work. Lastly my all time favourite is what I like to call "Bring In The Clowns".

Picture me lying in my bed. It's dark, it's quiet and all of a sudden in drives one of those clown cars (insert circus tunes doot doot doot todoootle) it's lights are flashing the horn is beeping and it pulls up beside my bed. The door opens and out jumps a clown. I look over at my hubby who is now in a coma like state and say, "babe the clowns are back"! He of course has no response and no clowns of his own. For those of you that don't know me I am terrified of clowns, mimes and anything with a mask. I therefore course chose a clown to represent my night thoughts.

Now it is not just a clown, it's a clown with a problem.
Clown # 1 has come to remind me that I have several bills outstanding and that I am in the over draft even though I got paid yesterday and incase I forgot, I have 3 birthdays and 2 weddings and I still owe MIL and a co-worker money. Then he fucks off. I start worrying about what he has just told me, but not for long because here comes another one.

This one talks to me babies and my lack there of. Reminds me of appointments and the cost that I am going to be putting out (see Clown #1).

Clowns 3-7 deliver news about home improvements needs. All the things that I should be doing but don't have the time or energy to do. Family members health and the dreaded possibility of someone dying. My health and weight and how fat I looked today when I mistakenly caught a glimpse of my reflection in the car window. Work and stress that is created there. Friends that I have been meaning to make time for but haven't, my hubby's job, our marriage, our finances and anything else that they think I should examine at this hour. Then just as I have broken into a sweat and on the verge of a panic attack the all pile back into the car and drive away. BASTARDS!!!!
It's now been 78 minutes since I turned out the light and I am still up. I get up and have a pee (stress makes me pee) and wash my face and back into bed. I now spend the next 2o minutes re-attempting to lull myself into blissful slumber.

12:18 I awake, Ken (neighbours Ken & Barbie) is in his spotless SUV and is pulling out of the driveway. Ken displays this behaviour every night and I spend the next fifteen minutes wondering where the hell he is going. Every night I analyze this event and that come up with several theories but that is another blog. I try to fall back asleep but not for long as here comes Ken exactly a half hour later. Seriously where the hell is he going. I am up anyways I should really follow him on night.

2:24 I am awakened by what seems to be a tremor, it is construction neighbour. He is a fantastic neighbour and works like a dog, but returns all hours of night and insists on entering his home through the garage. This requires him to use the garage door opener which shares a wall with my headboard.

3:00 Hubby gets up for his nightly pee. I am awake but lie there with my eyes closed listening to the sounds of nature. He sits on the edge of the bed and cracks open his water bottle which previously was a frozen mass. He has a few giant slugs from the bottle each time allowing the remaining ice to hit the neck of the bottle and back. He gets up on his feet and performs a geriatric run to the pisser knocking over things as he goes. He is courteous enough to sit, as we have had previous arguments regarding him power pissing in the middle of the night. However he has lost the inability to refrain from making the AHHHHHH sounds as he pees. Then he flushes and comes back to be where he is compelled to check my status. "Babe you sleeping"? I calmly make the #2 with my fingers and slowly stoke them over my closed eye lids and say, "eyes closed....Sleeping". He laughs and rolls back over and just before he passes out expels a Hugh fart in my direction...Super!

4:12 Cat scratching at the door
4:13 get out of bed and let cat in
4:14 Cat on the bed meowing
4: 15 Kick cat from the bed
4:22 Cat is under the bed playing with a tampon that she has stolen from my bag on the floor
4:23 get out of bed and on the floor and pull cat out from under the bed
4:25 close bedroom door after chucking cat into the hallway
4:30 sleep

5:30 I am awake again. I think I heard a dew worm fart. AH, getting brighter, sun rising, dog looking at me. If I go back to sleep right now I will get 45 minutes of sleep.

6:40 fuck, I hate to wake up before the alarm...I should get up I feel good and really...NO, must sleep this could be the best 5, ok 4.5 minutes of your night.

6:45 I am awake for the last time and feel like a bag of crushed assholes. Hubby bounces out of bed like a freak on beans and takes the dog out. I am lying there trying to focus when hubby returns 7 minutes later and he starts complaining about me still being in bed. I cannot even speak, I am so pisses about my night that if he says another word or pokes me I am going to hit him in the face.

I finally drag myself into the shower and as I pass my bed on the way downstairs for work I declare that tonight I will be in bed at 8. I know though that I would only be a wonderful dream.

P.S. Dark circles are hot!


Aimee said...

Firstly, you are not alone in the never-ending train of thought at bedtime. For me, instead of clowns, I get freaky faces (the grudge / the ring styles) and people peeking at me through the tiny cracks in my blinds, or hiding in the mirror. These are my nighttime companions.
Particularily at exam time, it seems everything needs reviewing, and even in my dreams I'll wake myself up to check on something I can't quite remember.
Try contimplating what you would do if you were locked in a bunker with a few other people, or burried alive perhaps...
Secondly, I'm with you on the bodily functions in the middle of the night...guys are gross.
Also, Greg can fall asleep in 2 seconds, and I also wake him up with laughter about how fast he can fall asleep. He gets pissed after about 9 awakenings (on average)

Anonymous said...

Clowns suck! You are not clowns are actually my parents telling me that I should have 3 months salary in the bank, my house should be paid off and I should be happy with my piece of shit van that starts in the morning but has no openings for ventilation and and and....never mind on to happier thoughts my friend! At least hubby isn't pulling the covers over your head after one of those gross bodily functions!

Naomi said...

OK with all of you. Kate and Aimee and Linda. getting to sleep sucks and like Aimee I have the mirror companions and closet compamions( I didn't geow out of that one) and the scary one eyed 10 eared 29 arm 102 haned man lhat lives under my bed and likes to poke me at night " wink wink"
the nocturnal wanderings suck. late nite tv is my friend, I could tell you most of the infomercials by heart " set it and forget it" but the nice thing is that when I fall asleep I am like the dead. Most times it takes a small earthquake or a large train going right threw my room to wake me, but the snooze button is my friend too :)
cheer up Kate when the Baby's come Mark can get up with them so He knows what it is like :)
huggs and kisses

Naomi said...

P.S. dark circles ARE hot!!!!!!!!