Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A fence makes perfect neighbours!

Well everyone I am sure is familiar with Ken and Barbie. If not it is our neighbours who I would assume think that they are better then us. This theory makes me ridiculously happy as they are really a pair of suck sacs which is a continuous source entertainment for hubby and I.

Thursday morning I am leaving the house to find the biggest piece of dog shit on my lawn. Not just on my lawn but right at the edge of my patio stone where my stairs are. It's not my shit, hubby swears he could do better and Dancer is not allowed to defecate on my front lawn cause it's just gross. Funny enough it looks much like the shit of an 80 pound dog which coincidence would have it...Ken and Barbie own one. Dicks!

Saturday morning hubby and I awoke to find Barbie and two other women (her mom and sister perhaps) out front. Barbie was working on the "garden project", which I am becoming increasingly put off by. I was looking at it the other day and I have decided that there is nothing I can do to compliment it or make it better. So not front garden for me.
Anyway, she is ripping up more sod and planting more tropical plants and now there are stone tiles and white rocks and oh my, being added. It looks like a grave that shat on itself. So we leave the house and she says "Hi", and nothing else.
We arrive back home and now there are more relatives, and again no words exchanged.

Sunday morning we decide to get up and go for a little breakfast. We get ready, open our door to find a Filipino family of six standing on my lawn. What the hell. Hubby and I are kind of stuck in our tracks as our eyes dart around our property and we struggle to process the events coupled by anger and astonishment.
It would appear that on this beautiful Sunday morn, Ken and Barbie have decided to have a garage sale and not only use most of their property, but also ours. I am standing there watching my lawn (which is in critical condition at the best of times) be tramped on. Corners of the sod edge are sticking up and I am up to my knees in their shit.
Now I am not a freak about my lawn, but I am trying to keep it alive. When the builders laid the sod we got the shittiest pieces. Every piece is a 1x1 square, when everyone else including Ken and Barbie got long strips of sod. So I am trying to stay off the lawn in hopes that it will take.
Now the neighbourly thing would have been to mention to us that they were having a garage sale and may the use our lawn, but nope they are better than us and therefore can do as they please. So they are all looking at us, I say "Riiiiiiight" and head to the car and Hubby manages to get out, "Oh, nice" and also heads to the car. We are not looking like happy people and drive away.
I assure to my hubby that if Ken woke up to find our shit on his lawn he would f'kn lose it, but it's okay for him. We proceed to spend the rest of our breakfast thinking of ways to sabotage them. They have not told us yet, but they are moving to BC and I would think that it will be really soon by the looks of it. They should keep in mind that they are going to have an open house and we will be there...giddie up!
So upon our return Ken, a fearless or stupid man steps up and says, "Sorry about people on your lawn and stuff". Hubby is almost in the house and I am face to face with him. I want to say, "Oh having a sale to save for your half of the fence bumdart"? I could start a fight and get this all off my chest. I could get the satisfaction of kicking both barbie's and his ass. I could rip him a new one show him what a women who doesn't need to share brain cells looks like. Or I could distract them all with the large amount of shiny items and make them dance for me. However, instead I decide that it would be the better to be the bigger person and I simply say, " uh yeah, whatever" and continue into my house as I slam my front door.
Idiots! I really hope that they move soon and that we get someone decent moving in. I hope that the first thing the new people do is resod the lawn and remove that God Awful situation.

OPEN HOUSE - Here are some of my ideas

  • Leave during the open house, but open all the windows and pump mega death while we are gone.
  • Put my Christmas lights back up (at the sale Barbie had a 6' decorated xmas tree...sweet)
  • Cover my front lawn in dog shit
  • Put bullet hole decals on my front window and garage door
  • decorate the utility box that we share...Maybe butterflies and twinkle lights
  • Post a sign on the top of my fence stating "pay for you half of this fence before I light it on fire and we can share the backyard".
  • Flaunt my plus size body in a petite two piece
  • Hang numerous religious items around my front door
  • Park my car on the lawn (see not a freak for the lawn)
  • Let the visitors know that I am a representative for a pyramid scam and would be interested in talking about it to them
  • Post a beware of dogs sign on our door and fill our back yard with friends dogs and claim them as ours (5 or 6)
  • Do them same with children and have a sticker on my car saying "Say no to birth control"
  • Soak wood chips in a curry, fish and onion marinade for a day or two and then smoke it on the BBQ during the open house

Of course you know this plan could back fire as we could attract Linda's neighbours from hell. You know the kind that enjoy mega death until the wee hours of the morn. Were planning to park a pickup on the front lawn and cannot afford a dog or children, but have a half dozen of each.

Oh God grant me stable and normal neighbours!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh Babe, please be very careful! You need to create a questionnaire that asks pertinent questions such as:
1: Do you have any other children besides the small one you have with you?
2: Do you have a dog that barks incessantly? If your answer is yes...How do you feel about collars that shock your dog everytime it makes a sound?
3: Do you have a drinking problem?
4: Will you lease many vehicles until the oldest ones are being repo'ed off the boulevard....
5: Will you or any of your offspring be running drugs from your place of residence?
I wish I had asked!!!
Love you!